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Marriage Enrichment.. New Parents.. Stepfamilies.. Unhealthy Marriages.. Separated

Self-Help Programs For Seriously Dating Couples

According to the US Census Bureau over 90% of Americans are projected to marry. Regardless of whether or not you end up marrying the person you are currently dating we feel fairly confident that you will someday marry and when you do you will want it to be a happy, healthy life long marriage.

Unfortunately the odds that you will form and sustain a healthy marriage are less than 50%. We want to help you increase your chances of achieving your dream marriage.

Researchers have found that the following suggestions will help you do that.

1) Do not rush to get married. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 59% of first marriages between couples who are 18 years of age or younger end in divorce within the first fifteen years. However only 35% of marriages between couples who get married at the age of 25 or older end in a divorce within that same time period.  

2) Take things slow and easy.  If he or she really is "The One" for you, there is absolutely no need to rush things.  Get to know each other well and in a variety of situations before making a lifelong commitment.   Relationships that begin with a foundation of friendship are usually much more stable in the long run than those that "rush to euphoria", only to later crash and burn.   The wisdom of this type of approach was highlighted in an article published in the L.A. Times on December 16th, 2002 entitled "The Brain in Love". The article discussed a long-term study being conducted by the University of Texas in Austin which "identified three paths through early courtship: fast and passionate, slow and rocky, and in-between.  The fast-track group, about 25% of the total, usually were interdependent within weeks, tended to ignore or forget their initial problems and were committed to marriage within several months.  By contrast, the slow-motion group took an average of two years to reach a commitment, spending up to six painstaking months in each stage.  

Yet when it came to success at the 13-year mark, the tortoises won out. According to Ted Houston, the study's lead investigator, "The more boring and deliberate the courtship, the better the prospects for a long marriage, I'm afraid.  People who had very intense, Hollywood-type romances at the beginning were likely to have a big drop-off later on, and this often changed their view of the other's character".  So, slow and steady tends to win the race.

3) Become educated about healthy relationships.  If you really want a healthy relationship then logically you should learn all you can about how to form and sustain one. How?  The first step is to learn by reading.  While there are a number of very good books about this topic, we recommend the book entitled "Relationships", written by Les and Leslie Parrott, as an excellent place to start.  

4) Develop healthy communications skills and conflict resolution skills.  Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington is able to predict with a 91% accuracy level whether a couple's marriage will succeed or fail by observing them interacting with each other for as little as five minutes.  Five minutes!  And it's not a matter of whether the couple argues or not that is key, but rather HOW they argue - and how they treat each other when they argue - that turns out to be the most important factor in a couple's long-term success together.  Each couple develops their own particular "pattern of interaction" in a relationship.  While a "positive pattern of interaction" will build each person and the relationship, up, a "negative pattern of interaction" will usually tear each person and the relationship down.   

The good news is that positive patterns of interactions can be learned.  However, the earlier in a relationship that healthy communications and conflict resolution skills are learned and put into place, the easier it is to make changes - before "bad habits" get too heavily ingrained.  A number of resources exist to teach healthy communication and conflict resolution skills, several of which are contained in various places on this web site.   Sections on this web site that contain this information are the section for Engaged Couples and Recommended Reading under the Marriage Enrichment section. It's never too early to start learning these skills. If you had only watched golf on TV, would you wait to take your first golf lessons an hour before your first tournament started?

5) Avoid living together before marriage.   Recent research by the University of Wisconsin indicates that 40% of cohabitants break up before getting married. Cohabitants who do end up marrying each other after living together experience a 50% higher divorce rate than couples who had not lived together.  So instead of experiencing a 50% divorce rate, these couples experience a 75% divorce rate. Overall what they find is that only 15% of couples who live together before getting married end up in a lasting marriage. The majority of couples think that they will be in the 15% group but the reality is that only 15 couples out of a hundred cohabitors actually make it.  The bottom line is that if you want to increase your odds of achieving your dream of a happy, healthy life long marriage, do not cohabitate; it just doesn't work in the majority of cases.  

6) If it looks like this relationship may be getting serious enough that the two of you think that it could lead to marriage some day, we strongly suggest that you take a premarital inventory such as FOCCUS, PREPARE, or RELATE well before you actually get engaged. These inventories have not been designed to tell you whether or not your marriage will succeed or fail. Instead they are designed to find out how you feel on hundreds of topics that will come up when you get married and then compare those answers with your boyfriend or girlfriend. This will decrease the number of surprises that you encounter after you get married and will give you an opportunity to work through differences of opinions before you get married. 

A good place to start is by taking the online Relate Inventory at https://www.relate-institute.org. The cost at the website is $20.00 per couple but we have arranged a special price of $15.00 per couple. If you are interested in receiving the reduced rate send us an email.

7) If the two of you do decide to get married, participate in the most rigorous Marriage Preparation Program you can find.  Go above and beyond any "required" classes the person who is performing the ceremony may require you to take - this is your marriage, not theirs.  This is your future happiness at stake - not theirs.  You will find that the time you spend in these types of courses will definitely pay off.  Studies conducted by the University of Denver show that those couples who participate in a true "World Class" Marriage Preparation program reduce their probabilities of divorce within the first five years by two-thirds.  

And it makes sense, doesn't it?  We take classes before getting our driver's license.  We take classes before becoming an architect, teacher, nurse, doctor, or engineer.  Why shouldn't we take classes before entering into a much more permanent "line of work"  - marriage?  Being married is a "skilled profession", and the good news is that the necessary skills and knowledge for marital success can be taught and learned.  

The "Engaged Couples" section of this web site will show you a number of local resources available for you to customize your own Marriage Preparation Program. If you want to fulfill your dream of a happy, healthy lifelong marriage, then do not skimp in this area.  The time you spend preparing for your marriage will have a much greater impact on your life than the time you spend preparing for your wedding.  Remember - a wedding is just a day of happiness but a marriage can be a lifetime of happiness.

8) Once you are married, continue to invest in the relationship.  Good marriages do not "just happen".  They are built.  You wouldn't plant a garden and then never water it, would you?  Or buy a car and never change the oil?  We all understand that neglecting our gardens or our cars will cause them to die.  The same is true with our relationships - especially our marriage relationships.  If we do not continue to invest in our marriages then they will die, just like anything else in the world.  We strongly suggest that you participate in at least one structured Marriage Enrichment event each and every year of your marriage.  These include Married Couples Retreats, or a class series on Marriage.  This web site's sections for Newly Married Couples and Marriage Enrichment are full of those types of local resources.

9) If your marriage ever starts to experience problems, get help right away.  The sooner the problems are addressed, the easier they are to fix.  A recent study found that only 10% of couples who got divorced sought help from a professional counselor before filing for divorce. Couples who did seek help had been experiencing problems in their marriages for average of seven years before they sought help.  If you broke your leg skiing, would you wait seven years before you went to the doctor?  Don't treat your marriage any worse than you would treat your body.  Commit to each other before you get married that if either one of you want professional outside assistance that you both will go in for help together.

10) Once your relationship gets serious and you begin to talk about marriage, print this page out and go over it with your significant other.  Focus especially on the paragraphs numbered seven, eight and nine.  Ask probing questions such as:

"If we got engaged, would you be willing to take the time to participate in as thorough a Marriage Preparation Process as we could find?"

"If we got married, would you be willing to participate with me in at least one structured Marriage Enrichment activity each and every year of our lives together?"

"Would you be willing to agree, up front, that if we did get married that one of the "rules" of our marriage would be that we would both be willing to participate in marriage counseling at any time that either of us requested it?"

This is a very important discussion to have.  This discussion will give each of you an indication of the other’s level of commitment and dedication to a future marriage. This discussion will also help you set guidelines that will help you both fulfill your dreams of a happy, healthy lifelong marriage.

We highly recommend you become an informed consumer before you purchase or use one of these self-help programs. Possible questions you might ask include:

1. What is your experience and training that you used to develop this program?

2. Is this program based on research and can you supply me with the references for the research articles it is based on?

3. What is the total cost for using your program?

4. What are the specific relationship skills and knowledge taught in this program?

If you have a self-help program for seriously dating couples and would like it to be added to this list please send us an email.

The following programs have been designed to help you to develop a healthy relationship. Many of the skills and knowledge that you learn in these workshops will also help you to form and sustain a healthy marriage if you later decide to marry.


Program

Description

Contact Information

Healthy Marriage Weight Loss Program This online program has been designed to help people attain and maintain a healthy weight, healthy marriage and a healthy self. Click here to learn more about this program
Healthy Relationship Dating Program Over 200 ideas of fun dates you can go on and strengthen your relationship at the same time. Click here to visit the Healthy Dating Program
Webpage

No cost.
Keys to Unlocking the Door to a Healthy and Happy Marriage This pamphlet series teaches basic relationship skills and knowledge that can help a couple form and sustain a healthy marriage. Click here to read and print the pamphlets

No cost.
How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk DVD/VHS Workshop Dr. Van Epp teaches individuals how to avoid marrying a jerk and how to pick a partner they can form and sustain a healthy relationship with. To order this DVD/VHS workshop for $125 call 866-818-5530
Saying "I Do": Consider the Possibilities This free online marriage education program has been designed by researchers at Utah State University to help you learn the skills and knowledge that can help you form and sustain a healthy marriage.  To enroll in this free online course click here and you will be redirected to their login page. 

Type in the ID: marriageprep
and your Password is: guest
Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts Video Kit Dr. Les and Leslie Parrott show young couples the skills they need to make the transition from "single" to "married" smooth and enjoyable. Designed for couples and small groups, the Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts curriculum includes the following:

* Two videos with eight half-hour sessions by the Parrotts
* Separate men's and women's workbooks full of exercises and self-tests to help couples apply what they learn
* A leader's guide that shows small-group leaders how to successfully conduct the Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts program
* A hardcover copy of the book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts
* A copy of the Marriage Mentor Manual, a guide to helping young couples establish mentoring relationships with experienced couples after the wedding.
To order this Video Workshop for $150 call 866-818-5530
The Couples Workshop Series In this DVD, designed to fit your busy lives, learn how you and your partner can better cope with life''s stresses and support one another. With guided instruction and a series of practical exercises, you''ll enjoy sharing this workshop with each other. Learn how to renew intimacy, enhance respect, and strengthen your love, commitment and friendship. Gain lasting tools to communicate and resolve conflicts with calm and care. This user-friendly DVD workshop includes 4 DVDs and a manual, complete with workshop exercises. All materials and presentations are based on John Gottman''s 30 years of research with couples. To order this DVD or VHS workshop for $200 call 866-818-5530
His Needs Her Needs: Habits for a Lifetime of Passion In this 12 lesson course Dr. Harley leads you step by step through the process of becoming irresistible to each other. The package includes: Six compact disks recorded by Dr. Harley, one copy of His Needs, Her Needs (Hardcover), Lesson Assignments manual, and his 5 Steps to Romantic Love workbook. To order this 12 lesson course for $130 call 866-818-5530
The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work In this video Dr. Gottman presents his research-based seven principles that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Straightforward in their approach, yet profound in their effect, these principles teach partners new and startling strategies for making their marriage work. Based on Dr. Gottman''s New York Times best selling book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. To order this video workshop for $29.95 call 866-818-5530
Relationships Video Curriculum   Dr. Les and Leslie Parrot teach couples how to have a successful relationship by living principles taught in the Bible. To order this video workshop for $99.95 call 866-818-5530
Love Busters: Overcoming Habits That Destroy Passion. In this 12 lesson course, Dr. Harley helps you get what you need from your spouse and give what your spouse needs from you. It begins by eliminating Love Busters.

Audio Package: Six compact disks recorded by Dr. Harley,
one copy of Love Busters (Hardcover), Lesson Assignments manual, and the workbook, 5 Steps to Romantic Love.
To order this 12 lesson course for $130 call 866-818-5530
The Marriage Breakthrough® Interactive Seminar  This package contains two DVDs which capture the full content of Michele Weiner-Davis's day-long live marriage enrichment/divorce prevention seminar for couples and a 12 page booklet containing seminar outline and exercises that you and your spouse can complete to fully participate in the seminar. To order this interactive DVD seminar for $149.95 call 866-818-5530
Fighting for Your Marriage Video Workshop This video guided workshop for couples helps you learn and apply the PREP skills and principles to help your relationship stay healthy.

Couples Workbook Video One: Ground Rules for Fighting and Loving

Couples Workbook Video Two: Using the Speaker-Listener Technique to Manage Conflicts

Couples Workbook Video Three: Problem Solving Made Easy

In addition to the three videos this package also includes to participants workbooks.
To order this workshop series for $130 call 866-818-5530
Getting Unstuck Video Workshop Working with real couples, Michele Weiner-Davis teaches four down-to-earth relationship skills illustrates a series of exercises couples can perform at home to begin to effect relationship change right away. You’ll learn to stop pushing your partner’s buttons in negative ways—and to start pushing them in positive ways…to get better at setting positive, action-oriented, attainable goals…and to think more creatively about change.   To order this video for $49.95 call 866-818-5530
DNA of Relationships DVD Series with Gary and Michael Smalley Watching this new 6 hour DVD seminar you'll learn:
How to eliminate the number one cause of relational conflict
1.Four ways to create a safe place for love
2.Four ways you can control all of your own emotions and greatly lower your stress level
3.Three key choices that bring you complete happiness in life 4. The most powerful communication method on earth 5. How God has designed you for love
6. Why the people using these principles found a 73% increase in their relational satisfaction
To order this DVD seminar for $99.95 call 866-818-5530
PAIRS

Wisdom Series
 This 6 CD audio workshop is taught by Lori Gordon, the founder of the PAIRS program. In it she teaches the skills and knowledge that have helped thousands of couples who have gone through the PAIRS program build and sustain healthy marriages. To order this CD workshop for $79.95 call 866-818-5530
10 Great Dates Video Series 10 Great Dates Video Series helps spark romance with memory-making evenings built on key, marriage-enriching themes. Enjoy your dates alone as a couple or use this resource to initiate an ongoing marriage enrichment program for your church or group. To order this video series for $99.95 call 866-818-5530
Romance on a Shoestring Game Romance on a Shoestring begins as a game you play once a week, but it can last
a lifetime.


A shelf of self-help books, psychological wisdom and 120 romantic ideas--all
wrapped up in a fun and playful game.
To order this game for $49.95 call 866-818-5530
Sex & Romance in the Biblical Marriage This 6 hour video workshop, taught by Jim Sheridan, covers basic skills and information about sex and romance from a biblical perspective To order this video workshop for $150 call 866-818-5530

Specific Disclaimer

The National Healthy Marriage Institute LLC (NHMI) does not examine, determine or warrant the competence of any of the products or services listed in this website. Use of this website to locate products and services is completely voluntary and will not result in any liability against the NHMI. In no event shall the NHMI be liable for damages to any user of the website for the voluntary selection of any of the products and services listed in the website, for the services provided by any service provider listed herein, or for any other damages which may occur. The NHMI cannot and does not provide any warranties related to the information contained in or resulting services from the products and services that are linked to from this website.

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